Taken from the old website. Original post date: April 26, 2006
Every so often, I am stimulated to write diary entries not so joyous. And let me share with you a short reflection based on a time where I had truly lost it all…
The truth is that I had come to California in a state of despair and much to the shock of my colleagues. My last few months in Baltimore brought on a depression so deep that I was seriously contemplating upon ways of throwing myself out the window. The ‘business’ of classical music had so little to do with music itself that it brought on a state of tortuous despair. It was a truly a ‘down point’ where I had entirely lost touch with my own identity, was stifled by doubts in my own ability, and worst of all, I was ready to quit the idea of being a pianist for good.
Yet, I was born a pianist first and a physical being second and to forget that caused me such great grief.
And so I believed the only solution was to get as far away as possible from anything and everything ever associated with my past and move into a new environment. Indeed, 3000 miles later I ended up rather serendipitously, in the Mediterranean-like city of San Diego which stunned me for its glorious surrounding geography. An ocean, desert, breathtaking dawns and dusks proved to be essential in revitalizing my strengths.
For the first four months I could not even touch a piano. Although I felt that I had been married to it all my life I now developed the infamous “I can’t live with you or without you” feeling. I also realized how much life there was to explore outside of music – how many glorious mountains to climb, majestic fjords to sail, and perplexing monuments to cherish.
My Southern California adventure was a bit like the ‘eye’ of a hurricane, that peaceful center of calm skies amidst the frenzy of scurried winds that I have come from and am now returning to. I am so happy that I took the risk of following my intuition. During my short stay in California, I have met some incredible and even legendary people, I have collected over 20,000 recordings of pianists alone, and most importantly I have ‘walked the desert’ in search of uncovering who I truly am and the artist I am to become.
